


Flesh *HIATUS*

by martsukkah



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: BDSM, Depression, F/M, Hate Sex, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, erenxlevi - Freeform, ereri
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-23
Updated: 2015-06-30
Packaged: 2018-04-05 19:15:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4191753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/martsukkah/pseuds/martsukkah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“How would you describe him?”</p><p>“Well… He’s sad. He’s just very, very sad… He doesn’t believe in God… or in love… He doesn’t believe in anything… I… I think that he’s broken young boy… And he doesn’t want to be fixed”</p><p> </p><p> x Eren is 19-years-old. He’s just a normal guy, living a normal life. That’s what he thinks. He thinks that’s the way it goes until he dies someday. Truth is, he doesn’t believe that there’s a better life. He doesn’t dream about it. He doesn’t even think about it. His life doesn’t have a meaning and his own life is suffocating him more and more every single day</p><p> x Levi is 31-years-old. Handsome, sexy, performer at a club</p><p>These two meet each other but how can they love each other when one of them don’t even know what love is?</p><p> </p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

 

I listened quietly when my friends talked about going to bar that night. I didn’t really wanna go. I never actually went anywhere. I didn’t want to. I wasn’t that kind of person. I usually just stayed home while all of my friends, well all three of them went partying. They had stopped inviting me with them so now they just left every time, not even caring if I came with them or not. 

“Eren? Are you even listening?” Jean asked, snapping his fingers in front of my eyes. 

I groaned quietly and glared at Jean. “What?”

I crossed my arms over my chest. Jean used to be my best friend when we were younger but last few years had been rough for me and I was kinda annoyed because of him. His attitude had changed a lot. He was sassy and sometimes he was mean to me. It wasn’t something that I enjoyed very much. 

“We’re going to celebrate your birthday and you don’t even listen to us?” Mikasa said, looking slightly worried as she held Armin’s hand. 

Yeah, Mikasa, Armin and Jean were my only friends. I enjoyed their company, they were the only ones that were able to make me even chuckle. I didn’t really laugh anymore. I didn’t feel like laughing. My friends were funny but they weren’t so funny that I would laugh at their jokes. Everyone else did but that wasn’t my problem. I had a lot of other things to think about. 

“Sorry”, I said, voice sounding emptier than usually. “I guess we can go wherever you want to go. I don’t mind”

I saw Jean smirking and chuckling. Apparently he knew a place we could go. Then Mikasa and Armin glared at Jean. Oh. I guess we weren’t going to the place Jean wanted us to go to.

“No. We won’t go there. It’s too dangerous”, Armin said and shook his head. 

I looked at Jean, getting interested when I heard that place might be dangerous. “So what kind of place we’re talking about?”

“Eren, we are not taking you there. There’s drugs and that’s the last thing we want you to do in your current condition”, Mikasa said and pulled my sleeve slightly, nodding at my bruised wrist. 

“I won’t touch drugs”, I said, kinda lying. 

I had never done drugs before. I had only drank couple times but it wasn’t my thing. I still felt pain when I was drunk. I just hoped that I’d find a way to bury the pain. I was now hoping that we’d go to the place Jean had thought about. Drugs, drugs, drugs. Maybe they would take the endless pain away. 

Mikasa frowned. “I… If you say so… It’s your birthday after all… But please, if you want to watch girls dancing without clothes on, there are other places too… Places that are much more safe and where we can be sure that you won’t get hurt by other people or yourself”

“Mikasa, I’m fine”, I lied, trying to convince her. 

I lied a lot. I was a huge liar and that was one of the reasons why I deserved to die. 

“Eren, we’re not going to that bar. As I said, it’s too dangerous”, Armin said, frowning too and he squeezed Mikasa’s hand. 

“Armin, Mikasa, please shut up. This isn’t your decision. Eren said where he wants to go and that’s it. Stop trying to change his mind. He’s really stubborn”, Jean said. 

Usually I would have been mad at him for calling me stubborn but I was happy - no, not happy… I was glad that he was on my side on this. It meant a lot. 

Though I knew the real reason why he wanted me to go to that club. He wanted me to take drugs so that I could be ‘happy’ for a moment. He always complained about me being too depressed and boring. It was kinda rude to say that but Jean was my stupid friend. I didn’t mind. I didn’t really care. 

“Jean! Don’t call him that! He’s not stubborn, he just knows what he wants!” Mikasa said huffing. 

I sighed and played with my sleeves. I looked at the floor, wondering if I should say something or just stay quiet. I chose the last option, not wanting to get into a fight with my only friends. Only people who still were with me and listened to my endless whining and complaining. 

“So that’s decided then. We’re going to Titan’s bar and that’s the final decision”, Jean said and hit my shoulder playfully. 

I held back a wince, I had few new scars there but I didn’t want Mikasa to know. She was the only one who really tried to stop me from hurting myself. Jean had just offered his company to distract me. That meant a lot too but he and Armin both thought that I have right to decide what to do to my body. They told me not to hurt myself but they understood that they couldn’t just stop me. 

Mikasa was different. She once took all my knives and razor away. She took all the sharp objects to her apartment, leaving only things that I actually needed. She was honestly the only one who cared so much. But as I said before, I’m a liar. She doesn’t know that I cut that day. She thought that I hadn’t cut for week or two since I began to cut my thighs and shoulders too. She only checked my wrists and I was thankful for that. 

Mikasa and Armin didn’t look disappointed. They looked just… worried. They worried about me way too much. I was perfectly fine. I just didn’t have a reason to live. I wasn’t good enough. I never was. I had always been lied at, I had always been cheated on. No one ever stayed. No one really loved me. I wasn’t important. 

But I was fine. 100% fine. 

“Okay… Eren, we’ll pick you up at nine, okay?” Mikasa said and stood up, Armin following her actions soon. 

I nodded slowly and waved at them slightly. Jean pressed a kiss on my head, as he always did before leaving. 

“I’ll see you then…” I mumbled quietly before looking at the floor again. 

“And, remember, don’t hurt yourself”, Mikasa said with knowing look on her face. 

“Bye, Mikasa”, I said and rolled my eyes slightly. 

Soon all three left and I got up. I went to my small bedroom and grabbed a towel before going to bathroom. I undressed myself and looked at my body from a mirror. It was covered in scars, new and old ones. I sighed and pinched my stomach. I felt fat every time I looked at my body. It sucked but I had tried to lose weight. I had tried to starve myself and I had tried to run every day but I just couldn’t be skinny enough. 

I sighed and got into a shower. I turned the shower on, cold water soon hitting my head and shoulders. I bit my lip roughly, feeling urge to cut for some reason but this time I fought the urge. I was leaving to celebrate my birthday in an hour. I didn’t have a reason to cut. Also, I was going to wear white shirt. Didn’t wanna ruin it with blood. 

I washed my hair slowly, actually enjoying the cold water. I was angry most of the time, mostly at myself. I always took cold showers because they cooled me down a little bit. I washed my body rather quickly and looked at a tattoo on my hip. It said ‘love and strength’ in beautiful cursive. Oh, how I wish I had strength. Strength to end this or strength to get over the pain I felt. I wasn’t strong. I was weak. Weak weak weak weak weak weak weak.

Soon enough I got out of the shower and wrapped the towel around my waist lazily. I didn’t feel dead but I didn’t feel alive at that moment. I just… I only existed. I didn’t really feel other than pain and actually, feeling pain was kinda better than feeling nothing at all. 

I dried myself and put on black skinny jeans, my favorite ones and white, long sleeved shirt. I only wore t-shirts around Jean. He didn’t mention my scars. I knew that he didn’t like the fact that I hurt my body but he didn’t want me to feel bad about myself or be embarrassed. Yeah, Jean was kinda cool friend. I looked at a picture of me, Jean, Mikasa and Armin on a table. It was my favorite picture of us. Usually I wouldn’t allow anyone take pictures of me, since I’m not attractive (far from that actually) but that was when Jean had bought me my first guitar. He had known that I had wanted to start playing guitar, but I didn’t have enough money or enough motivation to buy one so Jean bought one for me. I’m not very good at playing it but hey, I tried. I really tried to play it but I sucked so I haven’t played in while. 

I walked to kitchen and grabbed a glass of water. I drank it slowly and I looked at the kitchen floor. There was stain of blood peeking under blue carpet. I swiftly pulled the carpet over the memory of my first suicide attempt after my ex-boyfriend Connie had left me. I was really broken since first he had cheated on me with a girl and then he had guts to tell me that it had been going for months. Worst part was that I didn’t break up with him - he left me. 

I shook my head slightly. I shouldn’t think about that asshole. He wasn’t the one for me anyways but I was starting to think that there was no one for me. Maybe I just wasn’t that kind of person who people loved. Usually people didn’t love me, they left me. I put the glass into the sink and played with the hem of my shirt, waiting. 

As the clock kept ticking and getting closer to nine, I got more anxious. What if I died? What if something bad happened? What if my friends died? What if…?

I quickly put my black shoes on when I saw Jean’s car stopping in front of my small house. I walked outside, feeling depressed about the darkness. It gave me a bad feeling. I didn’t like it. I didn’t enjoy going out. I didn’t want to.

I went to the backseat where Jean were which was surprising since I had heard that he usually didn’t let anyone drive his very expensive car. He had saved money for it for years before he even was legal age to drive. I looked at the driver’s seat and I saw that Mikasa was driving which surprised me even more. Mikasa didn’t really like driving. She was badass but she once said that she was scared of driving a car - especially in dark. 

“Hey..” I said quietly and put my seatbelt on slowly. 

All of my friends said hi and Mikasa began to drive again. I played with my sleeves nervously and I noticed that Jean was staring at me. I felt slightly uncomfortable under his gaze so I didn’t look at him. I looked out of the window and I saw that there were people drinking coffee behind the window… People watching TV… People dancing… People playing with their children… People… living. 

I sighed and looked at my lap again. What the hell was I doing with my life?

Soon we arrived in front of the club Jean had wanted me to go to. Mikasa and Armin looked bit unsure but they held their hands again and it was clear that it made them feel little bit more comfortable. 

“Let’s go, shall we?” Jean asked as he opened the door for me. 

I bit my lip as I looked at the door of the club. There wasn’t any line but I heard loud music and talking from inside. Laughing and drunk people singing. What could be better?

We walked inside the club and I suddenly felt really, really anxious as Jean pulled me towards the bar. I looked around and Jean bought us drinks. I thanked quietly and looked at people. People with short hair. People with long hair. People with boring hair. People with colorful hair. Short people, tall people. There were all kinds of people and I had never seen so many black and white people in the same place at the same time. It seemed like no one cared who they danced with. Like no one cared whether they were dancing with female or male or both. 

After while familiar song began to play and Jean’s eyes became bright as he left me to go to dance. It was his favorite song and he went to find a girl to dance with. Mikasa and Armin were already dancing in the middle of sweaty people smiling and dancing. 

I heard that they called someone to the small performing floor. I didn’t pay attention to the woman dancing there until I saw that she was looking at me as the song went on. She was moving her mouth, mouthing the lyrics of the song. 

“Cover me with kisses, baby  
Cover me with love  
Roll me in designer sheets”

She looked at me and my body. I felt insecure but when the last part of the song came, she began to sing with flirty tone. Then, I realized that… she wasn’t ‘she’. Person dancing was a man with very feminine leather clothes. 

“Ooh, he speaks the languages of love  
Ooh, amore, chiama mi  
Ooh, appelle-moi, mon cheri  
Anytime, anyplace, anywhere, anyway!” he sang, still looking at me and I felt my cheeks heating up. 

I played with my sleeves and before I noticed, song had ended and he was gone.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

 

I had been thinking about the person for few days now. It was weird. I had never thought about anyone so much. Except Connie but he was my first love so I didn’t blame myself for that.

I sighed. I was playing videogames with Jean. Well, he was playing alone since I had lost the round already. My wrists were burning. I had cut too much before Jean had arrived. I bandaged my wrists but I was scared that I would bleed through the bandages. I didn’t want Jean to know that I was getting worse all the time. I had shown signs that I’d be getting better because I didn’t want them to worry about me so much. I didn’t want them to worry about me. I wasn’t that important.

“Hey, Jean?” I said quietly and pulled my [shirt](http://www.polyvore.com/lacoste_long_sleeve_solid_stretch/thing?id=142123762) over my knees, that were hugged against my chest, to my ankles.

Jean paused the game quickly and turned around, curious. “Yeah?”

“I… Can we go to that club again?…” I asked and buried my face into my knees. “I want to relax and I heard that there’s lot of… you know… drugs and strong alcohol…”

I could almost hear Jean frowning deeply. I could almost hear his hesitating thoughts. I bit my lip roughly, waiting for my friend to answer me.

“Well, if you really want to go. It’s good for you to go out”, Jean said and I looked at him. “Just, don’t get into a trouble, okay? You’re more important than you think”

I nodded slightly, not really believing Jean’s words. I wasn’t important. I was worthless piece of shit. I didn’t deserve to be Jean’s friend. Jean was great and I was freak. We weren’t even ‘opposites attract’ kind of friends. We were different in a bad way. I wasn’t a good person and Jean was perfect. I was so jealous. He was attractive, he had abs, body without scars. He was just great. He had good personality. He was really funny. He was important. He wasn’t like me.

“We can’t tell to Mikasa though… She’d kill us”, I said and shrugged. “She’s really protective over me”

Jean nodded. “Yeah, but you know that she’s just worried. You’re like brother to her so she wants to make sure that you don’t shoot yourself or something”

I bit my lip, feeling slightly uncomfortable with the way that Jean talked about so serious things. Guess I should have been used to that already since we had known for a long time.

“Yeah, I only said to Jean and he went back to playing that stupid game.

I looked around my room. It wasn’t very big, my house was very small with only one floor. I didn’t mind. I knew that I’d live rest of my life alone so I didn’t see a point to get a big house. Though I felt like maybe if I’d get a family, I’d move to a bigger house. Though of family seemed really distant for me since I didn’t even know if I was going to stay alive for long time. I didn’t plan to keep existing for longer than year anymore. I didn’t want to.

Every damn day I wanted to cut my wrists deep and every day I wanted to take pills. Every day I wanted to stop feeling. I wanted to stop everything. Everything always hurt me and I wasn’t good enough to live. I wasn’t good enough friend. I wasn’t good enough family member. I wasn’t good enough student. I had gone to high school but I didn’t go to study after that. I didn’t have any motivation to do that. I was too sad, too depressed, too tired.

After few hours of playing, Jean left hesitatingly. I could see that he was wondering something as he looked at me from the door. I waved a little bit and he went to his car.

And I was alone again.

I went to the living room and I turned the TV on. I watched the news and I sighed. Nothing interesting had happened. Only sad stuff. Girl was missing, child had drowned, shooting at school… All those things made me feel depressed. All those things made me lost my faith in humanity. Society was shit. Humanity was shit. World was shitty place to live. I pitied the babies that were born every day. They had to live in this century that only cared about how you look. Everyone only cares about your genitals and the color of your skin. Now it’s hard to be yourself if you’re not white cis male. Even females are being treated like shits for wanting equality.

Everything here sucks. This isn’t a place where people should need to live. People should have a right to choose where they wanna live and with who. That’d be perfect. I still wouldn’t choose to live because I would still be stupid. I would still be unattractive. I would still be person who made everyone disgusted. I was disgusting. I was never good enough. I was just… me. And it hurt. It really, really hurt.

‘Pick me up at 8, okay?’ I sent to Jean.

Jean soon replied ‘ok’ and I sighed. What the hell was I doing? I was going to club because this person had fascinating face and I just wanted to see that face again. I don’t know why, I just had a feeling that I needed to go. I needed to see the dancer. There was something about them that made me blush and actually think about the way I live.

I scratched my wrist slightly, not feeling very well. But who am I kidding?

I never felt very well. I always felt like dying. Always. I just wanted to feel alive again. I just didn’t know how. I had tried hobbies, I had tried music, I had tried sports… Nothing made me feel alive. Nothing. I gave up trying when I found out that I was way too fucked up to actually live. Now I just existed. I didn’t wanna die for some reason. I had tried to kill myself but I had always failed. Maybe I was just meant to suffer here for the next 60 years.

I groaned and went to my bedroom. I changed my clothes to black long-sleeved shirt and blue skinny jeans that hugged my fat legs pretty well. I put on few bracelets and my necklace that I had gotten from my ex-boyfriend when we went to our first date. I kinda liked the [outfit](http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/set?id=166379734). I hummed quietly and went downstairs just to see that Jean was already there.

“Hi”, I said and grabbed a glass of water that I drank quickly.

I was starving but I didn’t feel like eating. I was too fat to eat.

“Heya, ready to go?” Jean asked and leaned against the counter, looking at me.

I nodded. “Sure”

I put the glass away and grabbed my jacket. I put it on slowly and looked at my ugly face from the mirror for few seconds. I shook my head and Jean put his hands on my shoulders sighing.

“Are you sure that you wanna go there?” he asked quietly and I saw from the mirror that he had closed his eyes.

“Yeah, of course”, I said, hesitating slightly. “Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine…”

“I just don’t want you to get hurt… You’re really important to me…” Jean mumbled against my hair and I felt something turning around in my stomach. “I really want you to be alright”

I nodded and took a step forward. I took a deep breath and walked out of my small house. I bit my lip slightly and walked to Jean’s car. I got into the passenger’s seat and put the seatbelt on. I looked forward and kinda ignored Jean when he tried to make conversation with me during our ride to the club.

As we got to the club, I looked around, trying to find the person who had been all over my mind since my birthday. I frowned when I didn’t find him. Soon I was pulled out by a tall man. I didn’t recognize him. I had never seen him before but he was offering me something. I didn’t know what it was, it looked like a small pill. At that moment I didn’t care what I was eating and what I wasn’t. I ate the pill quickly and put few pills into my pocket - just in case I was gonna need those.

After about ten minutes I felt really weird. I felt… alive. My body was full of energy and I loved it. I went dancing. I didn’t know where Jean was but I didn’t really care. I actually hoped that he had left. I didn’t want him to see me like that.

I danced with strangers and soon a male with black hair pulled me to dance with him. I grinned. I was thirsty and exhausted but I didn’t wanna stop dancing. I was tired but I didn’t wanna go home. Not now. I finally felt alive. I finally felt like I could live like this for the next 60 years.

 _[We](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mEfKooMunLI)can get a little crazy, just for fun, just for fun_  
_Don’t even try to hold it back just let go_  
_Tie me up and take me over till you’re done, till I’m done_

I felt the man’s hot body against me and my grin widened as he put his hands on my shoulders. I put mine on his waist, crashing our hips together, shamelessly moaning. I did it quietly but by the way he hissed, he had heard it too. Soon he was pulling me somewhere.

 _Push up to my body, sink your teeth into my flesh_  
_Get undressed, taste the flesh._  
_Bite into me harder, sink your teeth into my flesh_  
_Pass the test, taste the flesh._  
_Hold me up against the wall, give it till I beg_  
_Give me some more_  
_Make me bleed, I like it rough_

I didn’t know where he took me. It was obviously a hallway but it certainly wasn’t the place where customers usually were. I saw that there were doors and each had a name on them and soon I realized that those were dressing rooms for the performers the club had.

I had to stop thinking about the dressing rooms when I felt the man pushing me against the rough wall. I smirked slightly and he held my arms above my head as he pressed his rough, thin lips against mine roughly. I moaned and tried to move my arms to wrap them around the man but he held my wrists tightly against the grey wall. I closed my eyes and I could still hear the faint music.

 _Hold my hands above my head_  
_And push my face into the bed_  
_‘Cause I’m a screamer, baby, make me a mute_  
_You put your hand upon my neck and feel the pulse - beat beat beat beat_  
_It’s like a trigger, get me ready to shoot_

I felt the man grabbing the hem of my shirt and he began to pull it off but suddenly he stopped. I frowned deeply and opened my green eyes. I tilted my head and the man pulled me to a dressing room that said ‘Levi Ackerman’. We didn’t stay there for long. Man just put on more casual clothes and grabbed keys.

“Where do you live?” he asked.

I thought for a while. “I… I don’t remember…”

I looked down, embarrassed. I felt energy soon disappearing and I felt even more thirsty. I leaned against the wall, almost falling asleep but soon the guy was pulling me somewhere again.

“I wanna sleep… And drink… I’m thirsty…” I whined.

Man sighed and gave me a bottle of water as we walked out of the club. He pulled me into a black car and went to the driver’s seat. I happily drank the whole bottle of water and the man helped my seatbelt on.

“I don’t need it”, I giggled. “I don’t mind if I die in a car accident because I didn’t have a seatbelt on.”

Man bit his lip and began to drive. “I know but I can’t risk someone’s life. You’re high and drunk so stop talking”

I pouted. “Fine”

Man drove for good 15 minutes before arriving to a white house. He got out of the car and opened the door. Now he helped me to take my seatbelt on and he helped me out of the car. He led me inside the house and turned too bright lights on. I groaned slightly and turned the lights off. Man raised a brow and turned the lights back on.

“Too bright!” I whined like a child.

Man just sighed once again and grabbed my arm gently. He took me to the bedroom and laid me down on the bed.

“Go to sleep, brat”, the man said and I pouted again.

“I’m not tired”, I said but yawned anyways.

“Go to sleep”, the man replied and I huffed.

Man sat on the edge of the bed and helped me to get the blanket fine. I looked at him for a moment. He was really beautiful man. His face was honestly fascinating. Soon enough I closed my eyes and in a moment I fell asleep.


End file.
